It took me by surprise, and it took other people by surprise, it's an uplifting movie, it's amazing, it's heartwarming... It made me realize that certain baggage I thought I had dropped off was very much still holding on. It was a very good movie- but I found it very upsetting.
I've had far too many people die with things unsaid, promises unkept, and those
feelings of guilt associated with that. One Uncle died, not knowing I had figured out he was gay, and died keeping it a secret from all, but 1 family member to him by marriage. I had promised to bring it up somehow, that I was happy for him, to let him know I was a family member by blood who'd accept him how he was since others wouldn't- and I swore by my birthday the next year I'd let him know.
But, he was dead a month later.
My other Uncle, we managed to improve our relationship on his death bed- there were tons of other things that I had wished went differently with that other Uncle, but still- I felt I failed him as well. If I had contacted a lung transplant place with poor numbers earlier, he may still be alive, at the very least, would have had a shot at still being alive. 2 weeks after his passing, they called to let me know he had been approved.
They were the only place that approved him, out of hundreds we applied to.
There's other things, with that side of the family, that- is too personal to go into- so, judging by what I'm willing to share should hint at the gravity of those things... they're normal things though- but, just too many people have died...
I've been letting go of things over the years since these people's deaths, things I thought I could never let go of because I felt that by doing so, I was doing some disservice to them. With my feelings of guilt, I felt if I got rid of things they loved, I was dishonoring them even more.
Slowly I started to get over it, forcing myself to at the very least, donate and give things away when I didn't feel right accepting money for an item or so, but every fiber of my being told me to hold onto the house. Under any circumstances, I needed to hold on to the house.
Never mind that I don't think I will ever feel that it's MINE. Never mind that automatically if I'm not thinking I will still say "I have to do ***** to Uncle Richie's place", not "I have to do ***** to my home". Every room is shared memories with every one of those people, every room is a reminder about things, and while I really did think I was over it all, I realized that deep down, in a place I was ignoring, it still eats away at me.
I have a few Buddhist friends, and we've had- sometimes heated debates, that got heated because of me, about the idea of detachment. I lean towards a mix of Taoist and Buddhist philosophies for how to live my own life, and I always would get upset at the idea of detachement. They would tell me "No, that's not exactly the concept", and I think on some level I wasn't really listening to them, not *really* hearing them out because it would mean that stuff I was repressing would have to surface as to why I was so against letting go...
And so, I'm watching this movie- and it's just absolutely devastating me. I mean, in
real life, if you feel you fail the person, whether or not you eventually do it, they're dead, you still feel like it's too late- but there's nothing you can do but let go, move on, and know that you did your best, you're only human, and the people you loved more than likely realized that before they died.
But, he had that house, and he did the things he would do with his wife, ongoing, tied to it, attached to it, and while he never let go of his memory of love of his wife, he wasn't able to move on until he let go of the actual house. It had him tied down, stagnant, stuck.
And it made me more and more upset.
It didn't hit me at once, but I've taken more than enough psych courses to know that my level of upset was not appropriate for what was going on, and that usually that's your brain trying to force you not to take a closer look at something you're trying to hide from yourself. Otherwise, what's the point of repressing a feeling, a memory, an emotion?
By the end of the movie, that all I wanted to do was turn off, I realized that it wasn't figuratively something I was connecting with, but something I was literally connecting with. Trying to hold on to this house, was me thinking I was honoring them, but really- no matter how I tried to ignore it, it's just holding me down, holding me back.
I've expressed anger at the house to key people. I've said in the past in moments of frustration and rage that sometimes I felt the house was almost a curse, that I sort of held it responsible for certain things that went wrong, that at times I almost hated it.
But, then the guilt would set in, this was my Uncle's house. He loved it, my family loved it. It was the place everything good happened, how can I hate it?
I was forced to see what I've known for a while, and have said here and there before forcing myself to push it down again... I think I need to get rid of the house. I think I need a place that is MINE. Even if I were to sell it and just move to a place in the same neighborhood- I need to let go, and move on.
Last Valentines day, I had a few epiphanies, and I had sworn that at the end of a year, I would have sorted out what exactly I was doing to force myself into the same cycles. If everyone else changes, but the cycles continue, and I'm the only constant, then it's definitely something I was doing.
The year started well for me, things coming together, and I had figured out a lot of what I had been doing that was causing the cycles, but ignoring this, and this is major...
In order to really move on, I do need to let go. It isn't the house that holds these memories, it's me. I have to remember them, but on my own. Holding onto the house honors nobody... the movie made me take a really deep look at myself, which, when something makes you look at something you're pushing out of your mind, the knee jerk reaction is anger, discomfort, hostility. It's a good movie, and I think it forced me to realize 1 last thing that was forcing me into certain cycles...
and 2 days before my year is up as well.
