It started off well enough, was able to joke and such, I had been doing pretty well all week... even petting everyone's dog was ok. Playing with puppies is always fun-
Then came the first customer who's dog had food sensitivities. Emma is the one I talk about with when advising on food allergies, since I fed her Blue Buffalo Basics to take care of that.
Ok, that was a little hard, especially since I hadn't been able to change my name tag to have Keller's photo on it, and whenever I looked down at the food, I saw her face staring back at me from my shirt.
I was ok until I had to pick out the harness for Keller.
Keller's 100% blind, he can jog around my house, he knows where the stairs are- takes them like a champ he knows no fear. When I'm gone long hours in a day, I usually asked one of a couple of people to let him and Emma out back, it was nice and easy on them, and when I got home I could just clean up.
Now, my girl got sick fast, lost weight FAST, and when she went in to the vet, even though he had no idea she'd die the next morning (She did respond decently to the initial treatment) he said it was possible she ate something.
Now, I know there's nothing she could have gotten into in my house, I know there's no way she got at any chemicals, the few I may have are locked well away... however, there has been an increase in stray cats on my block. There has also been a rise in possomes, so when I say I feel she may have been poisoned, I don't think anyone targeted my dog, I think they were targeting those animals. 2 neighbors to my backyard have major gardens that they eat from... I know for a face the neighbors on either side of me would never poison an animal- the two behind me, I'm not so sure.
So, since there's a chance she was poisoned, I don't want to have Keller go out to the back anymore, but- walking him can be kind of complicated if you're not used to it. Usually first thing that happens when someone else holds him, even when I tell them his basic cues, is he ends up walking face first into a fire hydrant- which has GOTTA hurt. I figure, get him a harness, which is only grabbed or pulled on as a warning that something's coming.
His actual walking cues are
"Watch, stairs" (couple of sets of steps going to my front door)- that's for either going up or down stairs
"Last one" when he's on the last step so he knows there aren't anymore
"Careful tree"- when there's anything he can walk into, that he's also allowed to pee on
"Watch out", "look out" (terrible to use for a blind dog I know), and "careful"- all just general alert words to mean slow up, something's coming
"Little step" is a curb
and so on-
But, it was buying that stupid harness that really got me down, the need behind me having to get that thing, the fact my girl passed and because I don't know for sure if she was poisoned, he can't go in the back... and I don't know how he'd handle going into the back alone now anyway. The death is hitting him hard, he's become a fierce whiner overnight, he was terrified of the sofa (where she died), if I leave the house, a few hours, to 1 minute- he acts like it's been years since I was there- he's not used to being the only dog- and the cats aren't providing him with comfort, and him being blind I think is making matters a little worse.
I picked out the harness about... 7.30ish I guess, and that's when playing with the other dogs got hard, that's when I was just going into the breakroom a few moments at a time to clear my head out and go back out there...
Emma was the sweetest dog you'd ever hope to know. She was beautiful to look at, smart in a dopey way- she was my Lassie. She always knew how to tell me what she wanted to say. She figured out how to tell me she needed to go out. She knew how to tell me they needed food or water- well, fresh water if I was late with it- or if they knocked the bowl over. She even told me on a couple of occassions when there was something wrong with my cat.
Emma was stoic. She never whimpered or cried out ever. Before I had the chance to fix her, her uterus ruptured... she was turning blankets into a den, kept getting up and laying down again- over and over- no noise, not a sound... but there was something in her eyes that said something was wrong. I dragged her to the vet and it could have killed her... but even though that must have hurt, she didn't make a noise.
She would never mug you for attention, but if you held your hand out to her- no matter where she was, she'd be at your side in a heartbeat. If you blew in her face, she would drop her face into the ground, butt up, and just cover her face and eyes with her legs and paws. If you did it again, she'd keep doing it.
Emma got along with everyone, and any sort of fighting would get her really really upset. Again, she wouldn't make a sound, or run- but you could see it in her eyes.
Her eyes would tell you anything you needed to know about her- if you knew what to look for.
Emma didn't bark. She could- she just chose not to. When she did, that meant something was up and you needed to come NOW. She wouldn't go into a barking racket, she'd let out 1 bark. If you didn't come, she'd let out another. If that was the case it was REALLY serious and even if you were in the middle of going to the bathroom, you knew you had to see what was wrong.
Emma wasted away to nothing inside of 3 days. By the second day, I set up a vet's appoitment. She was still drinking water, but at that point she stopped eating. I bought a feeding syringe to force feed her with.
That night she stopped getting up to drink water, she stopped getting up to walk around at all. I was glad she had the vet's appointment, and at that point, I was fairly sure I'd have to put her to sleep.
Got there before I had to go into work, last Sunday before the vet got in. He gave her fluids, and in a couple of hours, she was perking up. He ran blood works though and he said she was having kidney issues and something was up with her liver- though the numbers weren't that bad. He said that if she was to live happily, she would need sub-Q fluids every day.
Now, that means injecting a bunch of saline under her skin every day. I made the choice to do it for a week, to see how it went. If she was returning to the Emma I knew and loved, it wasn't a lot of liquid that needed to be injected, and for a high quality of life, it could be worth it if she wasn't ready to give up yet.
If she would still suffer, if all she did was lay around waiting for the needle, I wouldn't be OK with that, and I would put her down, buuuut- I wanted to give her a shot, a chance, any chance.
That night though, she started to decline. While she walked to the car from the vet's office, that was the last time she walked... all night I stayed up with her, singing to her, realizing that come morning I would probably have to bring her back to just end it, that it seemed she was giving up... but, I sang to her. I really wanted it to be done at that particular office because she seemed so calm and relaxed there- and I would have wanted those last moments to be as stress free as possible.
I sang her the healing song from tangled, I sang her the other father song from Coraline, I sang her the song I sort of changed for her- basically "You are my Sunshine", but replacing the "sunshine" with her name- which she always loved, but is really hard to sing without crying when you're trying to keep your dying dog calm, and as happy as possible "You are my Emma, my only Emma, you make me happ-eeeeeee when skies are gray, you'll never know deeeeeeaaaaarrrr, how much I love you- please don't take my Emma away"
Had to stop that song after the first time through.
6am came, my alarm went off, and I took a nap. On Sundays, I don't have to be at my first location until 11am, at 8 she gave a jerk. I had spent the whole night on the couch with her, laying down, looking in her eyes, so I woke up and started with the songs again- and I realized this was going to be it.
There's a certain- thing that happens when someone's going to pass, be it a person or a pet. Their fingers, legs, and arms start to get cool because their circulation isn't as strong. I put a blanket on her lay down, and she turned to look me in the face as best as she could, so I made her more comfy and did that.
Just looked her in the eyes, stroked her face, and just started saying "It's ok, you can let go Emma, you're such a good girl".
I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to stress her out- I kept saying that in the lightest voice I could...
"It's ok, you can let go Emma, you're such a good girl"...
I won't go into details, but that's when she started to go. I just kept doing that over and over again, holding her close... everyone dies alone, but I wanted her to not be afraid... she stopped breathing...
Looked at the watch, 8.38... her heart was still going though.
Now- when a human breathes in and out- there's enough oxygen in that outwards breath to keep another person alive. A good breath of air can actually last an average person about 3.5 minutes before you start to black out... she had stopped breathing, but her heart was still circulating blood to her brain, so- just like when I've been there at a person's end- I assumed she was still aware.
"It's ok, you can let go Emma, you're such a good girl..."
8.41 her heart stopped. Ok, at this point, I look at the clock again, for a person or animal, and mentally time 10 minutes. If there's any way, shape, or form that they may be remotely aware- I will not break down in front of them until I am sure they are GONE. 3.5 mins without oxygen is passing out for the average Joe. 7 minutes without air is usually deadly for someone. I time it 10 minutes after the heart and breathing has stopped.
It doesn't matter if it's a beloved pet, or a loved family member- those are the longest 10 minutes you will ever experience, especially since after death there's the release of the bodily functions, and twitching as the brain fires it's last neural signals.
In my life, I've experienced many losses, more people than I feel I should have lost at this age, many animals as well- and sometimes you feel... almost desensitized to it. Depending on who it is...
My dog Alfie hit me hard.
My girl Penny hit me hard..
Emma, she hit me really hard...
but, she died at home, in my arms, looking in my eyes, hopefully with me being able to convince her there was nothing to fear about death, because honestly- I don't think there is.
And all that came back when picking out a harness to prevent that from happening to Keller- if indeed she died because she ate something intended for a "pest" animal.
The last 15 minutes of the day, I honestly stopped trying. I couldn't look at another person's dog, I couldn't talk about the food, I just hung out in the breakroom with a couple of the people who work there who are awesome, then- went and bought what I needed to.
I am completely not looking forward to working tomorrow... or Sunday... and Sunday is my absolute favorite day to work. But I'm lucky, I do love the job, I do help lots of people and their pets, playing with puppies and dogs are cool, and the people who work at these locations are really great people... which makes it easier.
But not easy.
